Internet Sausage Links

Internet Sausage Links

If I had a penny for every Facebook status reminding me to wake up because September has ended, I would have enough to buy something at Tim’s. But coffee never works on me, so I use sugar instead. Which is awful.

You know what else is awful? The concept of free bleeding. I would’ve been perfectly happy not knowing what free bleeding is, but I am cursed with the need to know. This week, my pursuit of knowledge is a curse. Free bleeding is when women take going with the flow to an extreme in the name of freedom and the environment. In a nutshell, it’s voluntarily going without tampons, pads, period cups or liners because hygiene and basic human courtesy, like common sense, is on its way out the door – Vice

Another word I learned this week is “scumbro,” which is wonderfully self-explanatory. It’s the perfect term to describe the fashion sensibilities of Justin Bieber and Pete Davidson et al., who are running around in the most ridiculous outfits while remaining inexplicably attractive to women. I say inexplicable because as a nineties child, my idea of attractive is a healthy, corn-fed boybander with squeaky clean hair, non-skinny jeans and clothes that follow a complimentary colour scheme. To my eye, these kids look like everything they own is filched from the local thrift shop, rarely (if ever) bathe, and get dressed blindfolded in the dark. Except they’re mad rich, so the whole thing is purposefully not on purpose, the guy version of the no make-up make-up look. Behold, the rise of the scumbro – Vanity Fair

Apropos of nothing, here’s an interesting take on the Japanese psyche as influenced by the fallout of WWII, anime and the rise of technology. An oldie (2016) but a goodie – The Verge

Why do all my links start with a V today? Let’s go with a C, for children, who are cute, but are also the worst  – CTV

Speaking of C’s, my favourite Chris in the pantheon of Hollywood Chrises said goodbye to Captain America, setting off an avalanche of crying gifs as the internet weeps for its loss. Please, there’s three other Chrises left in the game, with one of them set to do a particularly revealing scene this November on Netflix (to Karen’s utter glee), so we’re all gonna be juuuuust fine. That said, he made for a splendiferous Cap, and the Captain America movies have always been among my MCU faves. You will be missed, Chris Evans.

 

Internet Sausage Links

Internet Sausage Links

Yes, this is obviously a marketing ploy to get all of us to watch their movie when it comes out, but a little part of me still died inside at the thought of Keanu Reeves possibly being married to Winona Ryder all this time and not knowing it. The little part that always thought Keanu would be available for an impromptu Destination Wedding – EW

I read the words “new series,” “Romanoffs,” and “Matt Weiner,” then got all excited thinking we’d have a new, detail-obsessed historical TV show about the Russian imperial family. Instead, I got… this. If it doesn’t involve grandiose staircases in the Winter Palace, impossibly ridiculous jewelry and the Tsar of all the Russias, I’m out – Pajiba

Oh hell to the no – Mashable

It’s still considered an ad, you corporate double-speaking bastards – TechCrunch

Someone called the Crazy Rich Asians movie “A+ lifestyle porn,” and I couldn’t agree more. Jimmy Carter’s story since exiting the White House is the polar opposite. He may not have been the best, most beloved US president, but reading about his retirement and the life he’s lived since exiting the White House is like a punch to the gut in the midst of all the political and social posturing of this current climate – The Washington Post

Internet Sausage Links

Welp, a couple of these are REALLY late, but if you know me and you know my motto, you know it doesn’t matter! Actually it does, because this 24/7 news cycle we’re living in means news from two weeks ago is beyond stale and progressing into mouldering but who cares?

Billionaire? Yes. Self-made? Please.  – High Snobiety

From golden dwarf in Game of Thrones to  giant dwarf in Avengers: Infinity War to actual dwarf in Rumpelstiltskin, The Dinklage leans in and isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Thank baby Jesus for people who work hard for their money – Variety

Speaking of giving thanks and working hard, if you just heard the screaming of a jillion gays, it’s because Lady Gaga’s Vegas residency begins in December – EW

Why yes, a sudden deluge can result in flash floods that feature raw sewage. We’re lucky we live just a little bit uphill from all this – The Weather Network 

Why yes, Rafael Nadal is in town for the Rogers Cup  – ATP World Tour 

Ink, for people with commitment issues like me (why yes, I just might) – CP24

Speaking of issues, my other big one is trust. Remember when it took me forever to get into the Uber ride-sharing thing? Here’s an interesting take (and semi-long read) on the sharing economy, trust, and loneliness – GQ

Internet Sausage Links

Watermelon Ice Cream.png
@MilkcowCanada, via Instagram

Japan, a country that has gifted us with the truly grotesque and the truly inspired, has also produced a perfect example of the unholy union of grotesque and inspired: watermelon ice cream sandwiches. South Korean ice cream chain Milkcow has taken the idea and run with it. Now that they’re in town, I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the kind that precedes the realization that I’m about to join another hour-long queue just to have one of these, even though part of me thinks it’s a horrible idea and harbinger of the apocalypse. Why do I have to be so damn susceptible to attractive packaging? – Blog TO

Speaking of grotesque and inspired (but really more grotesque and sad) this story of a mother giving her son her blessing with the aid of a bullet is somehow tragic, darkly comic and proof that you don’t mess with old people, because they’ve run out of fucks to give  – CNN

Those poor kids. This is why I confine my spelunking to the insides of my refrigerator – CTV News

Speaking of spelunking, take a deep dive into the life and times of one Johnny Depp. It’s a long read and mostly interesting journey into the unpredictable unknown, and unlike exploring a Thai cave in the middle of monsoon season, it’s an adventure you’re likely to survive. Yes, I would like to apologize to the trapped boys in the Thai cave for the completely tone deaf jumble of words I just wrote – Rolling Stone

I was there for the match, I was there for the book, and now I’m there for its in-depth documentary, released in honour of the 10-year (it’s been 10 years?) anniversary of the match and the 150th anniversary of the All England Lawn Tennis Club, home of venerable Wimbledon. Someday Wimbledon, someday… for now,  Strokes of Genius: Federer, Nadal and the Greatest Match Ever Played is $10.99 on iTunes, with a few bonus extras – Sports Illustrated

 

Internet Sausage Links

Internet Sausage Links

I decided to do a new thing on here where I share random links because lord knows I spend enough time whiling away on the internet despite my best intentions, so I may as well share. Also, I may or may not have been inspired by the glorious Michael K of Dlisted, but don’t worry this isn’t going to turn into a gossipy sort of blog. Just think of me as the friend who messages you out of the blue with some random bullshit you can check out while you’re stuck in traffic. Or pretend you’re reading over my shoulder on the subway while I’m hastily scrolling up on my phone trying to hide the outright porny Instagram posts I keep getting without any advance notice, which is what I get for having a raging homosexual as a best friend. So here we go!

They’re rebooting Daria, that immortal MTV classic, because nothing is off-limits. Or sacred. To be fair, nothing in or about my high school puberty was off-limits or sacred anyway, so go ahead and ruin it even more, damn you – Vice

Since that sicko ran a rented van into a bunch of innocents on a sidewalk in Toronto, this hateful subgroup of sadly misinformed, completely batshit individuals have been thrust into the spotlight, and boy is their slang an eye-opening education. Incels: A Lexicon – Vice

Excuse me for being really into Vice today, but someone tried to hide in the crawlspace above a convenience store to escape a cop and promptly fell through the ceiling. All this over a $1 can of pop. Alberta is fun, I really should go back sometime to see my lovely friend Karen – Vice

Just in time for Canada Day, Drizzy Drake dropped an album and Hotline Bling aside, I don’t really care, but he’s apparently milking the story of having a baby out of wedlock and how being a single parent is hard, because mining your rich, successful, dysfunctional man-whore life for all its worth is how to make money in music now. Who am I kidding? That’s always been how to make money, just ask the Carters – Rolling Stone

Big Dick Energy (BDE): three words that kind of go together and make sense, while making me wonder why it’s never really been a thing until the past twenty four hours, and we’ll probably continue to see it being used to death for the next few days until the next new phrase hits the internet. Anthony Bourdain just couldn’t resist contributing one last thing to humanity before going to the great kitchen confidential in the sky – Vox

Shedding it All Over

Nothing like a throwback slow jam to prove that musically (and otherwise), the 90’s was the best decade to grow up in. Everyone was either in love, making love or wanting to be in love and not afraid to embrace the cheesemax. Represent, Bruno Mars!

When Chris Pratt Calls

When Chris Pratt Calls

I own a grand total of two Vanity Fair magazines, August 2000 and April 2014. Today, the universe is telling me it’s time to add another VF to the pile. The universe, in the form of a shirtless Star-Lord riveting us all with sultry bedroom eyes, inviting us all to test his chesticles the water. You win, Vanity Fair – you evil, conniving, effective sonofabitch. You win.