You say YouTube black hole, I say Netflix black hole

You say YouTube black hole, I say Netflix black hole

Netflix is a black hole of great content. I just spent this weekend getting through The Crown, it’s latest prestige period drama which was so awesome it hurts to think I have to wait another year for its second season. It’s also so awesome it deserves its own post, which you can read right here.

I was pretty tardy to the Netflix party. Everyone I knew had it, the term “Netflix and Chill” had come into existence, but I resisted the idea because well, I’m cheap. You know, why bother buying the cow if the milk is free? Yeah, I’m one of those people. Whatever. But then Popcorn Time went down, the major torrent sites started falling like dominoes and it just became too damn hard to stay ahead of the game and be a pirate. So I hung up the tricorn, vowed to go legit, decided to bite the bullet and get Netflix.

Ha! Dramatic. No, the real story behind me getting Netflix is a friend loaned me her account, I couldn’t remember her password, I really wanted to see what Once Upon a Time was all about (because she was raving about it), I didn’t want to wait for her to return my text and Netflix’s first month was free. In conclusion, Once Upon a Time sucks,  going legit was pretty much a good idea, I got a lot of content well worth the price and this month marks my first year anniversary with Netflix. Sometimes, patience is not a virtue. #iregretnothing

Wait, maybe I do regret something. Because I binge-watch like a pro, I sometimes have moments of self-awareness where I look up from the screen and realize I’m turning into those fat Earthlings in Wall-E who zoom around on chairs  ignoring the rest of humanity because everything in their world that’s worth paying attention to is happening on a holo-screen. Netflix in general and the internet as a whole is a pretty insidious way to make sure I no longer go out to climb trees and attempt to cook leaves in a rusty tin can over a crappy fire made of twigs. Where’d my childhood go? Right, swallowed by the 80’s.

Still, there has to be a way to combine Netflix with exercise. Note to self: must get treadmill in 2017. I’ll be a hamster on a wheel, but at least I’ll be a well-entertained hamster on a wheel, and life doesn’t get much better than that. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the saddest sentence I have ever written in my life thus far. What is happening to me? Stupid Netflix subscription. Quick, someone take me out stat… ooh, look, Dana Carvey has a Netflix special!

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Vive La Reine! Netflix puts our $11.99 monthly subscription to good use and I have no regrets

Just when I was wondering where  to get my dose of  exquisite gentility since Downton Abbey wrapped after six glorious seasons, Netflix comes out with the superb The Crown, its  take on the rise of Queen Elizabeth II. I’ve finished two episodes.  Because I cut my teeth on trashy historical romances and have a thing for stories about royals, history, biographies and nostalgia, this show is like crack to me.

  • Claire Foy, last seen playing Anne Boleyn in Wolf Hall, has a knack for playing female rulers. She brings a unique blend of vulnerable haughtiness to the role, which seems to work in her favour.
  • Matt Smith as the mischievous Philip Mountbatten shines in every scene he’s in. It’s impossible to look away. I’ve never had a thing for blondes, but I believe I am about to make an exception to my rule. Also, I keep muttering “why the long face?” and laughing to myself like an utter lunatic. Is there historical proof that Prince Philip always sleeps in nothing but his birthday suit? Because all those butt shots are clearly gratuitous. Did that sound like a complaint? Because it wasn’t. Royal butt shots for president!
  •  Winston Churchill apparently had an amazing sense of timing and absolutely no shame – dude almost upstaged the then princess at her own wedding. No wonder he beat Hitler. John Lithgow as ornery octogenarian Winston Churchill chews every scene he’s in. Git it, John Lithgow!
  • Netflix has obviously shelled out mega bucks for this prestige show. This observation is brought to you by the face merkin on Jeremy Northam.
  • Speaking of Jeremy Northam,  I last saw him getting his head chopped off by Henry VIII in The Tudors for sticking to his morals  on pain of death. Now he’s playing an ambitious silver fox of a Foreign Secretary who aspires to be Britain’s next Prime Minister. Welcome back, Jeremy Northam!

As an adopted Canadian,  it is my duty to watch a show based on the queen’s life because Elizabeth II is on our money and we should all support the Commonwealth even if I have no idea what the Commonwealth even stands for anymore. Actually, I never really did  and that question didn’t come up in the citizenship exam.  Long live Elizabeth Regina!

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The Life Lessons of Carl Grimes

The Life Lessons of Carl Grimes

Meet Carl. Carl is a teenager who came of age in the Atlanta zombie apocalypse. His world view is shaped by his father, who was a no-nonsense sheriff  when the world still made sense and people weren’t re-animated monsters out for brains. Carl can teach you things. Important things. Also, Carl’s lessons might be spoiler-heavy so if you haven’t seen the first few seasons of The Walking Dead, this is your cue to avert your eyes and move along.

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Boybands Don’t Wear Skinny Jeans

I really should be working on next week’s column and not causing my editrix to pull her hair out because once again I’m going to squeak past my deadline, but this is way too distracting. Yes, I know the Backstreet Boys and their brand spanking new Vegas residency is stale news  (and so is this James Corden clip), but my motto is, has been and always will be: better late than never. So I just watched this and am listening to what the universe is telling me: my arse needs to be in Vegas next year. I will finally, finally indulge the young teenage girl I was. The one who had bootleg posters and all the cassette (cassette!) tapes of their albums. I’m old and I want to be happy. Leave me alone.

So now I’m sucked into the black hole that is Ticketmaster and gunpowder, treason and plot plot plotting my way into how to make this happen.

ps. If I didn’t already love James Corden enough, as of today I am absolutely TEAM CORDEN all the way. That’s right. ALL CAPS. TEAM CORDEN. TEAM CORDEN!

pps. With this and other upcoming trips, I may need to peddle some organs I can live without. Will someone teach me how to get on the dark web and do this Bitcoiny thing? I don’t want to wake up in a bathtub in some godforsaken motel room with an icepack pressed to my belly and no memory of the last 24 hours. Thanks.

Irreconcilable Differences

Irreconcilable Differences

The union between Brad Pitt, winner of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive (1995 and 2000, thankyouverymuch) and Angelina Jolie, Esquire Magazine’s Sexiest Woman Alive (2004) was a match  made in Hollywood  heaven. Two devastatingly good-looking, influential, A-list movie stars with talent to spare and money to burn meet on a movie set and sparks fly. They were the reincarnation of Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, jet-setting around the world with their brood of children, living in a fabulous chateau in southern France. It was a union so combustibly irresistible, it spawned a ridiculous nickname, commanded the front page of the tabloids for ten years running. And then it ended. If the Sexiest Couple Alive couldn’t manage to keep the fire burning, is there hope for the rest of us? The short answer: nope. Cue sackcloth and ashes.

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Music to Break Up To

Lady Gaga writhes in the desert as the union of the world’s sexiest man and woman comes crashing down around all our ears. Is this the lead single in the OST of the Brangelina break-up? Because this release feels like perfect illusion timing.

Lost in Translation

Lost in Translation

I saw the speech. POTUS was not the target. Still, it’s easy to see how a directly literal translation could be misconstrued, and Duterte Harry seriously needs to stop dropping the colloquial equivalent of the F-bomb because it’s way too easy to take that line out of context.  Can’t help giving the man a slow clap, though. Dude has cojones of steel.

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