Internet Sausage Links

Internet Sausage Links

I decided to do a new thing on here where I share random links because lord knows I spend enough time whiling away on the internet despite my best intentions, so I may as well share. Also, I may or may not have been inspired by the glorious Michael K of Dlisted, but don’t worry this isn’t going to turn into a gossipy sort of blog. Just think of me as the friend who messages you out of the blue with some random bullshit you can check out while you’re stuck in traffic. Or pretend you’re reading over my shoulder on the subway while I’m hastily scrolling up on my phone trying to hide the outright porny Instagram posts I keep getting without any advance notice, which is what I get for having a raging homosexual as a best friend. So here we go!

They’re rebooting Daria, that immortal MTV classic, because nothing is off-limits. Or sacred. To be fair, nothing in or about my high school puberty was off-limits or sacred anyway, so go ahead and ruin it even more, damn you – Vice

Since that sicko ran a rented van into a bunch of innocents on a sidewalk in Toronto, this hateful subgroup of sadly misinformed, completely batshit individuals have been thrust into the spotlight, and boy is their slang an eye-opening education. Incels: A Lexicon – Vice

Excuse me for being really into Vice today, but someone tried to hide in the crawlspace above a convenience store to escape a cop and promptly fell through the ceiling. All this over a $1 can of pop. Alberta is fun, I really should go back sometime to see my lovely friend Karen – Vice

Just in time for Canada Day, Drizzy Drake dropped an album and Hotline Bling aside, I don’t really care, but he’s apparently milking the story of having a baby out of wedlock and how being a single parent is hard, because mining your rich, successful, dysfunctional man-whore life for all its worth is how to make money in music now. Who am I kidding? That’s always been how to make money, just ask the Carters – Rolling Stone

Big Dick Energy (BDE): three words that kind of go together and make sense, while making me wonder why it’s never really been a thing until the past twenty four hours, and we’ll probably continue to see it being used to death for the next few days until the next new phrase hits the internet. Anthony Bourdain just couldn’t resist contributing one last thing to humanity before going to the great kitchen confidential in the sky – Vox

Shedding it All Over

Nothing like a throwback slow jam to prove that musically (and otherwise), the 90’s was the best decade to grow up in. Everyone was either in love, making love or wanting to be in love and not afraid to embrace the cheesemax. Represent, Bruno Mars!

When Chris Pratt Calls

When Chris Pratt Calls

I own a grand total of two Vanity Fair magazines, August 2000 and April 2014. Today, the universe is telling me it’s time to add another VF to the pile. The universe, in the form of a shirtless Star-Lord riveting us all with sultry bedroom eyes, inviting us all to test his chesticles the water. You win, Vanity Fair – you evil, conniving, effective sonofabitch. You win.

Boybands Don’t Wear Skinny Jeans

I really should be working on next week’s column and not causing my editrix to pull her hair out because once again I’m going to squeak past my deadline, but this is way too distracting. Yes, I know the Backstreet Boys and their brand spanking new Vegas residency is stale news  (and so is this James Corden clip), but my motto is, has been and always will be: better late than never. So I just watched this and am listening to what the universe is telling me: my arse needs to be in Vegas next year. I will finally, finally indulge the young teenage girl I was. The one who had bootleg posters and all the cassette (cassette!) tapes of their albums. I’m old and I want to be happy. Leave me alone.

So now I’m sucked into the black hole that is Ticketmaster and gunpowder, treason and plot plot plotting my way into how to make this happen.

ps. If I didn’t already love James Corden enough, as of today I am absolutely TEAM CORDEN all the way. That’s right. ALL CAPS. TEAM CORDEN. TEAM CORDEN!

pps. With this and other upcoming trips, I may need to peddle some organs I can live without. Will someone teach me how to get on the dark web and do this Bitcoiny thing? I don’t want to wake up in a bathtub in some godforsaken motel room with an icepack pressed to my belly and no memory of the last 24 hours. Thanks.

Irreconcilable Differences

Irreconcilable Differences

The union between Brad Pitt, winner of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive (1995 and 2000, thankyouverymuch) and Angelina Jolie, Esquire Magazine’s Sexiest Woman Alive (2004) was a match  made in Hollywood  heaven. Two devastatingly good-looking, influential, A-list movie stars with talent to spare and money to burn meet on a movie set and sparks fly. They were the reincarnation of Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, jet-setting around the world with their brood of children, living in a fabulous chateau in southern France. It was a union so combustibly irresistible, it spawned a ridiculous nickname, commanded the front page of the tabloids for ten years running. And then it ended. If the Sexiest Couple Alive couldn’t manage to keep the fire burning, is there hope for the rest of us? The short answer: nope. Cue sackcloth and ashes.

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Music to Break Up To

Lady Gaga writhes in the desert as the union of the world’s sexiest man and woman comes crashing down around all our ears. Is this the lead single in the OST of the Brangelina break-up? Because this release feels like perfect illusion timing.

The Other Purple One

The Other Purple One

Proving that nothing really lasts forever, Yahoo has been sold and yet another internet OG has come crashing down. Everyone form a prayer circle and have a moment of silence, because 2016 is hellbent on taking everything we once held dear. Things will never be the same again.

Yes, this was a long time coming. The writing’s been on the wall for years. It’s been a slow slide downhill for poor, purple Yahoo since Google, that precocious little upstart, burst on the scene and started gaining ground in the early aughts. I barely use my account anymore and probably check my Yahoo e-mail twice a year, but once upon a time Yahoo was the first site I would go to whenever I got online.

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